The Strained Relationship Between the Scapegoat and Golden Child
By design, one or more narcissistic parent(s) have created a disturbing and unhealthy relational connection between the family assigned roles of scapegoat and golden child. Neither role is desirable, and both suffer from consequences of this defined role not only with how they relate to the narcissistic parent, but with each other.
In this article we are going to discuss the harrowing relational dynamics between these two roles which continues even into adulthood.
Table of Contents
The Scapegoat's Role
The scapegoat is the party within the narcissistic structure that is often blamed for family mistakes, discarded, neglected, and has been gaslighted into believing it was their fault. The scapegoated child is usually assigned at a young age and often carries this role through to adulthood and never loses the unfortunate title.
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The Golden Child
The golden child is the party that is favored, looked upon highly by the narcissist, is granted attention (of their performance), spoken about positively and is manipulated by the narcissist to uphold the family secrets, and embrace covert behaviors even without knowing.
The golden child is the ‘good one’, while the scapegoat is the ‘bad’ one. They are at diametrically opposing sides of the spectrum and are often at odds with each other, intentionally.
The Narcissistic Parent's Role
The narcissistic parent typically through triangulation, creates animosity between the parties. The siblings, when they are in grade school up through to high school, may believe it’s sibling rivalry, but the roles never cease. The roles can continue into adulthood, where the narcissistic parent pits the two parties against each other.
As a result, they may not form a close bond or friendship. The scapegoat can feel like they have no one in the family who has their back (which may be true), while the golden child acts as though nothing is wrong.
Often, the roles are further exacerbated by extended family, deliberately as the narcissist will use other family members to further perpetuate.
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Related: Why the Scapegoat and Golden Child Have Strained Relationship
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Related: Why the Scapegoat Will Never Be Respected – Thinking About Reuniting with Your Narcissistic Family?
Scapegoat and Golden Child Dynamics
The Scapegoat and Golden Child may very well be at odds for their entire adult life. There will always be something between them that will not be resolved. The scapegoat historically has tried to resolve, worked harder at whatever it was that earned them the role, but they will never be able to lift the title.
They will always be treated harshly by the narcissist and the golden child, and it may even extend through to extended family. We are going to explore a little deeper to discern why this is the case.
Golden Child Will Not Have the Scapegoat’s Back
The golden child has been an actor most of their life and it continues to the present, though they may never admit it. It’s true they may not see it, but underneath their acting skills, they have a strong loyalty to the narcissist. In fact, it may go beyond your standard level of loyalty.
It’s coercive loyalty. They were coerced into being loyal to the narcissist, yes, they were manipulated into this role to serve the needs of the narcissist and the two roles became enmeshed together, both supporting one another.
Because of this enmeshment and unconscious loyalty, it is second nature to operate in this way without question and to do what the narcissist wants. When they do this, they are rewarded, and this keeps the cycle of enmeshment flowing.
The Golden Child is trained to not support the Scapegoat, and to treat as less than, to neglect and to be unaware of their needs, just like the narcissist.
Related: Should I Confront the Narcissist?
Golden Child is Stuck in a Cycle of Performance
The golden child wears a metaphorical set of handcuffs, in that, they are stuck in performance. They only receive accolades, attention and treated as the ‘good’ one when they do things that are deserving of such, by the narcissist.
If the GC shows support to the Scapegoat, they will pay the penalty from the narcissist. The narcissist may withdraw support, turn against the golden child for a time and employ a host of other tactics to train the golden child from exhibiting their independence.
The ramifications may be so demeaning, the golden child will not step out of alignment again. This keeps the golden child in performance to earn love while mistreating their siblings and further continuing the strained relationship, and carrying on their family role.
Golden Child Only Comes Around When They Want
Since the golden child operates by duty to the narcissist, they will always be on the lookout for ways they can not only keep their position of golden child, but to also show they are a good soldier.
The golden child can dress up for the occasion and put on a show, and be friendly toward the scapegoat of course, only when it serves the greater purpose. They may be out for information, or knowledge of some sort, which will be attempted to further perpetuate the cycle and to defame the scapegoat.
Golden Child is on a Perpetual Mission
The lure to maintain the golden child status is so strong, they will continually seek to maintain the coveted status. They witness how the scapegoat is treated and they cannot fathom to be treated in the same way.
The scapegoat has been mocked at, belittled, not supported, not listened to, no empathy has been shown over and over again. In order for the GC to have high status within the family structure, they must keep the ‘bad’ one bad.
No matter how good the scapegoat is, it will never be honored, shared, congratulated authentically, and they will never be treated favorably – even as they become adults.
Related: Top Lies Narcissists Tell
The Golden Child is Unable to Have an Authentic Relationship with the Scapegoat
Since the golden child has been trained to be an actor, they fail to embrace an authentic relationship with their sibling, scapegoat. There will always be sibling rivalry, which not only have they instigated but they appreciate it since it causes the separation.
It further illuminates how the golden child has a need to be ‘good’ and when there is this separation of roles, they assume the role of being the favored sibling with all the side courses.
In conclusion
The harrowing roles of scapegoat and golden child are distinct within the narcissistic family structure. Neither role is beneficial to a person’s well-being, as they each suffer with consequences of their designed role.
As the cycle of abuse often continues down the family line, it’s imperative that once recognized, to make a choice in the best way to proceed.
Were you the scapegoat of your family, or were you the golden child? Drop a comment below and let us know if this has been helpful!
I am the scapegoat of my family. I have been
ostracize from my entire extended family 🙁
love knowing why! its helping me survive.
I cannot find any information anywhere about how to parent a scapegoat and golden child once a spouse has left a narcissist. I am the healthy parent who got out of the toxic relationship, but my children are still subjected to the narcissist because of custody laws. I have no control over that, but I need to learn the best way to parent my scapegoated child and my golden child in the way that gives them the best chance at a healthy relationship with each other and in their future relationship with others. I have found NOTHING. Therapists do not believe me that this is happening. They always believe that their father “wants what is best” and I have to get his permission for them to see a counselor, which means he has to meet with the counselor, as well. Any advice? Similar experience?
So glad you found this helpful!
Rita, you may also like our article here on Being Ostracized: https://movingforwardafterabuse.com/ostracized-no-contact/
My sister is the golden child. We both know my mother is a narcissist, yet she keeps up her role of discarding me, the scapegoat. Her loss. I’m the happy one now! smile
Like others here, I was discarded by my Narcissistic egg donor once she believed (wrongly) that her golden 51 year old “baby” would come from Pennsylvania to visit our long time institutionalized brother. He had resisted this for years, and I told my wife that once he agreed to visit, I would be cut out of the inheritance (I was).
I was really quite surprised initially when this brother showed his true greedy nature. We had spent a lot of recreational time together over the years. From the reading that I have done, though, I concluded that he was just mirroring me, as Narcissists do. My hurt has lessened as I understood more about the family dynamics, so I am moving forward.
I am a little embarrassed to say that I am enjoying the fact that he married down with trollop wife #3, and turned down the career that I tried to steer him into – from which he would have been pensioned for about 20 years now, with full medical benefits. Since he is now 64 years old and has no retirement account, I guess he is going to need the money that he pilfered from his brothers. I don’t think that he has medical benefits yet, so whatever health problems he has, he deserves. I don’t feel any obligation to inform him of the family medical history, either. So for anybody out there who has a loser Ahole sibling, remember that Karma has a funny way of turning up, in ways you don’t even realize.
I was the scapegoat but “mommy dearest” died and GC became the lost child. He didn’t want to deal with the estate so he manipulated me into buying him out (he was too traumatized to ever return! like scarlett o’hara great acting!) however before the ink was dry on the deed casually talked about visiting and his angry adult children from his broken were so happy that I was buying grandma and granpa’s house. The audacity! I felt sick. He has left me alone for the most part but sent out a flying monkey to let me know he was “sick” 000 he was a guilt tripper yeah. I’ve been struggling, I don’t want to end up here…and I’m too damn stubborn to die…he actually wants me to put him in his will…I feel such hatred and contempt for this leech that I actually trusted until his true colors came out…dangerous snake, worse than my mother. I don’t ever want to see his face and I just want to escape this hell. One thing I am sure of is he will never set foot in this house again. He will never subjugate me again. I am now ALPHA. underestimated me cause I’m too sensitive…but I’m also more intelligent and getting in touch with my Machiavellian side cause why not? not for the innocent but for those who have conspired and colluded their entire life to harm you, to trap you? JUSTICE demands it. In reality I just want him to disappear…I don’t care how. He literally makes me sick. So I have to get used to this reality that he has no power over me, no leverage. If I only had a companion we’d spend all my money and have a hell of a good time. I have to have a happy ending. I’ve paid my dues and then some….he has some dues to pay and I don’t want to be around to see it. Crazy how you can despise someone more than you ever dreamed possible. And hey are oblivious….make your skin crawl.