The Strained Relationship Between the Scapegoat and Golden Child
By design, one or more narcissistic parent(s) have created a disturbing and unhealthy relational connection between the family assigned roles of scapegoat and golden child. Neither role is desirable, and both suffer from consequences of this defined role not only with how they relate to the narcissistic parent, but with each other.
In this article we are going to discuss the harrowing relational dynamics between these two roles which continues even into adulthood.
Table of Contents
The Scapegoat's Role
The scapegoat is the party within the narcissistic structure that is often blamed for family mistakes, discarded, neglected, and has been gaslighted into believing it was their fault. The scapegoated child is usually assigned at a young age and often carries this role through to adulthood and never loses the unfortunate title.
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The Golden Child
The golden child is the party that is favored, looked upon highly by the narcissist, is granted attention (of their performance), spoken about positively and is manipulated by the narcissist to uphold the family secrets, and embrace covert behaviors even without knowing.
The golden child is the ‘good one’, while the scapegoat is the ‘bad’ one. They are at diametrically opposing sides of the spectrum and are often at odds with each other, intentionally.
The Narcissistic Parent's Role
The narcissistic parent typically through triangulation, creates animosity between the parties. The siblings, when they are in grade school up through to high school, may believe it’s sibling rivalry, but the roles never cease. The roles can continue into adulthood, where the narcissistic parent pits the two parties against each other.
As a result, they may not form a close bond or friendship. The scapegoat can feel like they have no one in the family who has their back (which may be true), while the golden child acts as though nothing is wrong.
Often, the roles are further exacerbated by extended family, deliberately as the narcissist will use other family members to further perpetuate.
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Related: Why the Scapegoat and Golden Child Have Strained Relationship
Related: 10 Signs You May Be the Family Scapegoat
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Related: The Lost Child: 10 Ways To Detect in a Narcissistic Family
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Related: Why the Scapegoat Will Never Be Respected – Thinking About Reuniting with Your Narcissistic Family?
Scapegoat and Golden Child Dynamics
The Scapegoat and Golden Child may very well be at odds for their entire adult life. There will always be something between them that will not be resolved. The scapegoat historically has tried to resolve, worked harder at whatever it was that earned them the role, but they will never be able to lift the title.
They will always be treated harshly by the narcissist and the golden child, and it may even extend through to extended family. We are going to explore a little deeper to discern why this is the case.
Golden Child Will Not Have the Scapegoat’s Back
The golden child has been an actor most of their life and it continues to the present, though they may never admit it. It’s true they may not see it, but underneath their acting skills, they have a strong loyalty to the narcissist. In fact, it may go beyond your standard level of loyalty.
It’s coercive loyalty. They were coerced into being loyal to the narcissist, yes, they were manipulated into this role to serve the needs of the narcissist and the two roles became enmeshed together, both supporting one another.
Because of this enmeshment and unconscious loyalty, it is second nature to operate in this way without question and to do what the narcissist wants. When they do this, they are rewarded, and this keeps the cycle of enmeshment flowing.
The Golden Child is trained to not support the Scapegoat, and to treat as less than, to neglect and to be unaware of their needs, just like the narcissist.
Related: Should I Confront the Narcissist?
Golden Child is Stuck in a Cycle of Performance
The golden child wears a metaphorical set of handcuffs, in that, they are stuck in performance. They only receive accolades, attention and treated as the ‘good’ one when they do things that are deserving of such, by the narcissist.
If the GC shows support to the Scapegoat, they will pay the penalty from the narcissist. The narcissist may withdraw support, turn against the golden child for a time and employ a host of other tactics to train the golden child from exhibiting their independence.
The ramifications may be so demeaning, the golden child will not step out of alignment again. This keeps the golden child in performance to earn love while mistreating their siblings and further continuing the strained relationship, and carrying on their family role.
Golden Child Only Comes Around When They Want
Since the golden child operates by duty to the narcissist, they will always be on the lookout for ways they can not only keep their position of golden child, but to also show they are a good soldier.
The golden child can dress up for the occasion and put on a show, and be friendly toward the scapegoat of course, only when it serves the greater purpose. They may be out for information, or knowledge of some sort, which will be attempted to further perpetuate the cycle and to defame the scapegoat.
Golden Child is on a Perpetual Mission
The lure to maintain the golden child status is so strong, they will continually seek to maintain the coveted status. They witness how the scapegoat is treated and they cannot fathom to be treated in the same way.
The scapegoat has been mocked at, belittled, not supported, not listened to, no empathy has been shown over and over again. In order for the GC to have high status within the family structure, they must keep the ‘bad’ one bad.
No matter how good the scapegoat is, it will never be honored, shared, congratulated authentically, and they will never be treated favorably – even as they become adults.
Related: Top Lies Narcissists Tell
The Golden Child is Unable to Have an Authentic Relationship with the Scapegoat
Since the golden child has been trained to be an actor, they fail to embrace an authentic relationship with their sibling, scapegoat. There will always be sibling rivalry, which not only have they instigated but they appreciate it since it causes the separation.
It further illuminates how the golden child has a need to be ‘good’ and when there is this separation of roles, they assume the role of being the favored sibling with all the side courses.
In conclusion
The harrowing roles of scapegoat and golden child are distinct within the narcissistic family structure. Neither role is beneficial to a person’s well-being, as they each suffer with consequences of their designed role.
As the cycle of abuse often continues down the family line, it’s imperative that once recognized, to make a choice in the best way to proceed.
Were you the scapegoat of your family, or were you the golden child? Drop a comment below and let us know if this has been helpful!
I am the scapegoat of my family. I have been
ostracize from my entire extended family 🙁
love knowing why! its helping me survive.
I cannot find any information anywhere about how to parent a scapegoat and golden child once a spouse has left a narcissist. I am the healthy parent who got out of the toxic relationship, but my children are still subjected to the narcissist because of custody laws. I have no control over that, but I need to learn the best way to parent my scapegoated child and my golden child in the way that gives them the best chance at a healthy relationship with each other and in their future relationship with others. I have found NOTHING. Therapists do not believe me that this is happening. They always believe that their father “wants what is best” and I have to get his permission for them to see a counselor, which means he has to meet with the counselor, as well. Any advice? Similar experience?
So glad you found this helpful!
Rita, you may also like our article here on Being Ostracized: https://movingforwardafterabuse.com/ostracized-no-contact/
My sister is the golden child. We both know my mother is a narcissist, yet she keeps up her role of discarding me, the scapegoat. Her loss. I’m the happy one now! smile
Like others here, I was discarded by my Narcissistic egg donor once she believed (wrongly) that her golden 51 year old “baby” would come from Pennsylvania to visit our long time institutionalized brother. He had resisted this for years, and I told my wife that once he agreed to visit, I would be cut out of the inheritance (I was).
I was really quite surprised initially when this brother showed his true greedy nature. We had spent a lot of recreational time together over the years. From the reading that I have done, though, I concluded that he was just mirroring me, as Narcissists do. My hurt has lessened as I understood more about the family dynamics, so I am moving forward.
I am a little embarrassed to say that I am enjoying the fact that he married down with trollop wife #3, and turned down the career that I tried to steer him into – from which he would have been pensioned for about 20 years now, with full medical benefits. Since he is now 64 years old and has no retirement account, I guess he is going to need the money that he pilfered from his brothers. I don’t think that he has medical benefits yet, so whatever health problems he has, he deserves. I don’t feel any obligation to inform him of the family medical history, either. So for anybody out there who has a loser Ahole sibling, remember that Karma has a funny way of turning up, in ways you don’t even realize.
I was the scapegoat but “mommy dearest” died and GC became the lost child. He didn’t want to deal with the estate so he manipulated me into buying him out (he was too traumatized to ever return! like scarlett o’hara great acting!) however before the ink was dry on the deed casually talked about visiting and his angry adult children from his broken were so happy that I was buying grandma and granpa’s house. The audacity! I felt sick. He has left me alone for the most part but sent out a flying monkey to let me know he was “sick” 000 he was a guilt tripper yeah. I’ve been struggling, I don’t want to end up here…and I’m too damn stubborn to die…he actually wants me to put him in his will…I feel such hatred and contempt for this leech that I actually trusted until his true colors came out…dangerous snake, worse than my mother. I don’t ever want to see his face and I just want to escape this hell. One thing I am sure of is he will never set foot in this house again. He will never subjugate me again. I am now ALPHA. underestimated me cause I’m too sensitive…but I’m also more intelligent and getting in touch with my Machiavellian side cause why not? not for the innocent but for those who have conspired and colluded their entire life to harm you, to trap you? JUSTICE demands it. In reality I just want him to disappear…I don’t care how. He literally makes me sick. So I have to get used to this reality that he has no power over me, no leverage. If I only had a companion we’d spend all my money and have a hell of a good time. I have to have a happy ending. I’ve paid my dues and then some….he has some dues to pay and I don’t want to be around to see it. Crazy how you can despise someone more than you ever dreamed possible. And hey are oblivious….make your skin crawl.
Only recently, I have realized I must be the golden child. I am the oldest of my siblings, and have been the recipient of all the perks and benefits my mother wanted to provide, which virtually guaranteed my career success. Ever since undergraduate school, I knew I wanted to become a professor and with my mother’s total devotion to my success, it made sense. Along the way, we grew to be very close and she still means so much to me. This eventually led me to where I am today, Purdue University. Reflecting back I recall that all I really had to do in order to receive this love and support was to carry out every request she made regarding my younger brother. He was her scapegoat.
I never thought about it when we were kids, but my mother always hated my younger brother Just one example out of many is I remember when he was about 8 years old, for some reason, she made him eat his dinner off the floor while the rest of us watched from the dinner table. I remember thinking I’m glad it wasn’t me. There was a lot more though, like she would constantly talk about him horribly behind his back to his teachers and really anyone who would listen, so even from a very young age, he must have wondered why other adults seemed to immediately dislike him. She continued to do that for years well into his adulthood, and everyone in the family has never mentioned a word of this to him as we were instructed not to. Everyone in our family, even our father, must have been afraid of my mother, and so did everything they could not to upset her. She had unquestioned authority in the family, that is for certain.
Regardless, over the years she was able to fine tune her use of her scapegoat and when he began high school, she took her treatment of him to a new level. She said she had a long talk with my sister and determined that he had sex with her. She said it happened in the house when we were all at home, which was weird since no one heard anyone scream or anything you would expect if something like that took place, but she said it happened. She didn’t mention it to him, but for the rest of us, she gave us instructions on how to treat him from that time forward. Looking back it is interesting that she didn’t file a police report, or take my sister to the doctor, and she has never gone to therapy, so it was never documented in any official capacity. What she wanted to do was carry out a long term plan of revenge and we were to participate as instructed. She began by spreading rumors to all his friends, all our relatives, and everyone in town that he was an abusive pedophile rapist, but make sure not to tell him because he could become dangerous. She told the school principal to let all the teachers at the school know. It was a little strange, but she would always laugh when she told the rest of us about who she spread the rumor to next. I remember this continued after he went to college, the same college I attended. She asked me to spread the rumor all around campus even before he started his first semester, and I did exactly that. Some said that was betraying my brother and other people who liked him said why would you do that, your brother is a nice person. I said I was supporting my mother, and that is the right thing to do. I asked him one time about it, he said it wasn’t true. He said he wanted to take a lie detector test, but he wanted my mother to also take one. What a joke, that would never happen, I just dropped the whole subject and didn’t mention that to anyone. I wasn’t about to take that information back to my mother, it was just easier for me.
My goal was to become a college professor, so I went along with all of it, you just get used to it as time passes. When he went off to work, she would get me to find out where he worked, and she would call his employers and tell them what a horrible person he is. It must have had some impact and he never knew my mother and I were secretly working against him like that. My mother would laugh at the thought of him getting horrible treatment from his coworkers due to her handiwork, she said someday he will need therapy or worse. All these years have passed and I don’t know where he is now, he doesn’t communicate with the family. So, there are positive aspects to having a mother with narcissistic personality disorder, which I found lacking in how people discuss their upbringing. I didn’t think growing up with her was bad for me and still don’t. It actually worked great for me. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made and at times, that is the way my mother wanted it to be, it was best not to question it. Point is, look at me today, I have a prestigious position that I worked for and deserve. And my mother is very proud of me being a leader in the English Department at Purdue University.
Thomas J. Rickert
Purdue University