The 7 STAGES OF GRIEF And Loss After Narcissistic Abuse

Stages of Grief and Loss

In Overcoming the Devastation from Narcissistic Abuse, How to Heal, Recover and Take your Life Back, it lists 7 stages of grief in the process of healing and recovering from narcissistic abuse and is helpful to be prepared for the journey.

Knowing what lies ahead after going no contact is helpful in navigating what will come so you can be as prepared as possible through the grief and loss.

In the standardized grief process, there are five stages of grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. When it comes to grieving the loss after narcissistic abuse, there are additional stages for a total of seven. The stages are not necessarily in any order, and one stage can last for days, to weeks to months, years; there is no set time. Grieving is a process, be patient with yourself as you embrace the grief. It’s very common to go back and forth into different stages of grief.

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1. Absolute Devastation

This is the initial stage, where we realize we have been a victim of this type of sickening abuse. We are shocked to our core. We realize our loved one(s), never truly loved us as they were incapable of it. They used, exploited and deliberately chose us to try to destroy emotionally, financially, etc. We were abused and used horrendously. We see the manipulation. We see the deceit. We see the lies. We see what we never saw before.

This first realization of the truth is both shocking and devastating. It’s as if a light switch went on in our brain and we have a new understanding that it wasn’t our fault and that we have been victimized. The truth and reality of the situation has hit. This is actually life-saving as we know the truth and it’s the truth we have been seeking. Everything now makes sense, it clicks, and we now get it. This truth even though is enlightening, can also be absolutely debilitating.

I remember the times when I had my wake-up calls. They were life-changing for me. I saw what I never saw before. Everything changed in that moment. I remember feeling calm, yet so alert, and it was the answer I had been seeking for a long time. It was peaceful clarity, yet at that time, I had no idea my next steps. The realization in that moment, was the beginning of the turning point.

2. Denial and Self-Doubt

After having the wakeup call, we may immediately be faced with denial and doubt. We may question our wake-up call. We may justify, or choose to disbelieve it. This is the inner war going on. We do not want to believe what we have to come to realize. It’s heavy. It’s hard to understand. It’s takes our breath away. We cannot fathom it, so we deny it.

We may re-hash our coming out of the fog moment, and now we question it. We re-evaluate our new truth and deny it. We think we have made a grave error. In this phase, we doubt, question and deny the realization of the truth. We may re-enter this stage several times. It takes a while for the truth to really sink in. It’s okay, have patience with yourself, as the road to recovering from narcissistic abuse, is often a windy road, with curves. It’s not a clear path where we put one foot in front of the other.

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3. Education

Once we have come to terms with the reality and we agree we have been victimized, education is key to learn about the situation. We research and learn about narcissistic abuse. We desire to know the truth and for it all to make sense. At this stage, we may have more questions than answers and that is okay, we need to start somewhere.

There is a lot of information available on narcissistic abuse today.

I had to learn. I had to dive in to everything I could get my hands on. I watched YouTube videos, read, and read some more. I had to make sense of the confusion that was circling in my head. I had to find the answers to the why’s. The more information I gathered, the more I was able to put my mind at ease.

You may be in this stage today, you may be trying to learn all you can, and I think this is a great place to be in. It’s helpful to have the ah-ha moments and for things to begin to make sense. Once we have answers, we seek answers in another area of deceit until we can figure it out. Learning about narcissistic abuse, is so different from the way our mind naturally thinks and behaves, so it takes time to wrap your (our) head around it. It may take 2-3 times on a particular subject (or more) for it to fully sink in, or it may also take months.

4. Anger

Anger is indicative that a boundary line has been crossed. In this circumstance and situation, you better believe it’s spot on. Our boundaries have been crossed multiple times. We were stretched, pushed back, taken advantage of, you name it, the list is long. We have every right to be angry.

For now, not only are we angry at our wronged circumstance and have to face the consequences and fallout that has occurred; we are furious at the situation we find ourselves in. Our lives have changed, we are faced with having to make new life-altering decisions. We are in a mess; it has hit home.

This anger can stay for a while. Not only that, but we may have a whole host of other intense emotions we are feeling at the same time. Deep grief, deep hurt and pain to name a few.

Feeling this anger can actually be a good thing, even though it’s painful. A narcissist likes to tell you how you should feel. When we embrace an independent emotion apart from what “they” tell us how we should feel, it can be the start of taking our life back.

5. Depression

It is common to feel depressed after suffering narcissistic abuse. It’ is okay to not feel like doing the same activities once enjoyed. You may want to sleep and recover.

In this stage, you may not have the emotional strength to do the things once loved. For a time, allow the mind and body to grieve the loss and to recover. Embrace this stage, without feeling as if something is wrong with you. Be good to yourself during this time, knowing you have been through a devastating time. This stage is necessary to move forward to the next stage.

6. Healing and Validation

We have come to understand that we have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, and now see ourselves as a survivor. Coming this far is a huge victory and has been worth the effort we have put in. Hard work has been done, and the ability to talk about the situation gets easier.

Healing after narcissistic abuse is a process, and is continual. Healing and recovery from narcissistic abuse, requires introspection and to deeply grieve the areas lost, I find the deeper you go, a greater level of recovery can occur.

7. Self-Discovery

This is the part of the healing and grieving process where we take a deep dive and look introspectively at our situations. We have a desire to learn why this abuse has occurred. We look to see what characteristics or qualities, has led us to this situation. We take responsibility and look to see how we can change and better ourselves and to prevent this from occurring again. This is a journey of knowing our needs, engaging in self-loving behaviors, being able to communicate, and to learn to create healthy boundaries with others.

There are tough stages in the grieving process. Some stages possess unique challenges to us since the narcissist has brainwashed us to believe in a different reality. They have created an atmosphere where we doubt ourselves, and we may become confused with our own reality. It’s like waking up from the matrix. What we were told was not true. What we believed never happened. What we thought never occurred.

Get rest, sleep, and set time aside to allow time to recover and to go through the stages. Set time aside for you. It’s okay not to be a social butterfly and hop around town going to events. Mourn. Grieve. Cancel appointments. Get in touch with what happened.

See a therapist or a counselor who is specializes with narcissistic abuse trauma. Realize you have been through an emotional hell, with adrenaline working overtime, body in flight-or-fight for a long time. It’s time to get rest in all forms and recover. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It will get better.

Lynn

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