Purity Culture was a Gigantic Lie: 3 Things I wish I Knew When I Was Young

If you grew up within the evangelical community and endured years of teachings (or conditioning to think and behave a certain way) in your teenage years and possibly beyond, and have come to realize and understand how this may have attributed to your early views on shame-based sex, read on, this article is for you.

No Explanation Needed

Now, when I shared my story (article here), I briefly mentioned how I no longer attend the evangelical church and haven’t since 2016.

I never really went into it further. I never explained why I left, my thoughts on it, my deconstruction path, my thoughts during or afterward, nada. I was silent toward the subject. I knew or thought that one day I would talk about it when the time is right, and until then…

I know that talking about religion for some can be divisive, and that is not my intention here.

My intent is to share my story and experiences so you can think about it, and if it’s helpful to you, then super.

In this article we will cover: (1) What is purity culture? (2) Why this movement within churches may lead to shame-based thoughts toward sexuality especially in formative years, and (3) why this approach to sexuality can be psychologically, relationally, and emotionally damaging to young minds.

Let’s get to it.

What Exactly is Purity Culture?

“Purity culture” is a term often used to describe a set of beliefs and practices that promote abstinence, modesty, and the avoidance of sexual activities outside of heterosexual marriage. While proponents argue that it encourages moral values and healthy relationships, critics argue that it can lead to shame-based attitudes towards sex.

Purity culture was mainly taught in the 1980’s/1990’s in some evangelical circles.

I Was All In

Now, I was all-in as they say with the evangelical church. I attended it 3x a week growing up from teenage years then went to and graduated from a Christian University, and then kept attending up until I was about 40.

Then, I walked away completely.

I left the church in 2016, post-divorce, after I saw the same manipulation tactics that I saw in my marriage. My eyes were opened,

I felt I had clarity and I no longer believed the message.

I just didn’t believe it anymore.

So, I stopped attending, and never looked back.

I felt in absolute peace about my decision.

I knew one day I would digest some of the messages they taught in more detail, and I was fine with waiting until that time.

No Meeting Was Called

I didn’t have to explain myself. I didn’t need to call a meeting with loved ones or friends to tell them I no longer believed.

I just lived my life.

Impact of Purity Culture

Here are some of the ill effects of growing up under the teachings from purity culture.

Note: Not all of these will apply to every situation.

Shaming and Guilt:
- Promotion of shame and guilt associated with deviations from prescribed sexual norms.
Binary View of Sexuality:
- Imposition of a simplistic, binary perspective on sexuality, neglecting its diversity and complexity.
Focus on Virginity as Worth:
- Tying an individual’s worth to their virginity, leading to feelings of inadequacy if purity is not maintained.
Impact on Relationships:
- Unrealistic expectations on relationships, hindering healthy communication, consent, and sexual education.
Gender Inequality:
- Reinforcement of traditional gender roles and unequal standards, limiting women’s agency and perpetuating stereotypes.
Fear-Based Approach:
- Utilization of fear-based messaging, instilling anxiety, repression, and an unhealthy relationship with one’s sexuality.
Lack of Comprehensive Sex Education:
- Emphasis on abstinence-only education, neglecting crucial information about contraception, consent, and diverse sexual orientations.
Internalization of Judgment:
- Internalization of judgment and unworthiness for those who do not conform to purity standards.
Neglect of Consent Education:
- Failure to adequately address the importance of consent and communication in intimate relationships.
Stigmatization of Sexual Desire:
- Stigmatization of natural and healthy sexual desires, leading to internal conflict and repression.
Repression of Sexual Exploration:
- Encouragement of fear and repression, hindering healthy sexual exploration and expression.
Arranged Marriages and Lack of Autonomy:
- Association with arranged marriages and limiting individual autonomy, particularly for women.
Negative Impact on Self-Esteem:
- Negative impact on self-esteem due to the internalization of societal judgments regarding sexual behavior.
Judgment of Sexual Past:
- Judgment and stigmatization based on an individual’s sexual past, rather than recognizing personal growth and change.
Isolation and Ostracism:
- Risk of isolation and ostracism for those who deviate from purity culture norms, leading to a sense of alienation.
Conflict with Personal Values:
- Imposition of external values that may conflict with an individual’s personal beliefs and experiences.
Limited Emotional Support:
- Lack of emotional support for individuals struggling with shame or guilt related to their sexual experiences.
Misinformation and Ignorance:
- Propagation of misinformation and ignorance about sexuality, leading to potential health risks and uninformed decision-making.
Psychological Distress:
- Contribution to psychological distress, including anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.
Interference with Healthy Sexuality:
- Interference with the development of a healthy, positive attitude towards one’s own sexuality and the ability to form fulfilling relationships.

Let's Address the Shame in Purity Culture

The shame-based aspect of purity culture is a significant and often criticized component of the teachings and practices associated with promoting sexual abstinence, particularly until marriage.

Here are a few points that illustrate the prominence of shame in purity culture:

Association of Worth with Virginity:
- Purity culture often links an individual’s worth and value to their sexual purity, particularly the preservation of virginity until marriage. This connection can lead to a deep sense of shame for those who engage in sexual activities outside the prescribed norms.
Judgment and Moral Implications:
- Purity culture tends to attach strong moral implications to sexual behavior. Those who do not conform to the prescribed standards may feel a profound sense of moral failure, contributing to shame and guilt.
Fear of Judgment and Rejection:
- The fear of judgment and rejection from religious or social communities can be a powerful motivator for adherence to purity standards. Individuals may fear being ostracized or labeled as impure, leading to a pervasive sense of shame.
Public Pledges and Commitments:
- Some purity culture initiatives involve public pledges or commitments to abstinence, often accompanied by ceremonies or events. When individuals later deviate from these pledges, the public nature of the commitment can intensify feelings of shame.
Language of Purity and Impurity:
- Purity culture often uses language that categorizes individuals as either pure or impure based on their sexual choices. This dichotomy reinforces a sense of shame for those deemed impure, fostering an environment where individuals may internalize negative views of themselves.
Focus on Female Virginity:
- Purity culture tends to place a disproportionate burden on women, emphasizing the importance of female virginity. The scrutiny and judgment surrounding women’s sexual choices can contribute to profound feelings of shame and self-blame.
Lack of Nuance:
- Purity culture often lacks nuance in its approach to sexuality, presenting a rigid and one-size-fits-all perspective. This lack of understanding or acknowledgment of the diversity of human experiences can contribute to shame for individuals whose stories do not align with the prescribed narrative.
Teaching Modesty as a Shield:
- Modesty teachings, which are often part of purity culture, can inadvertently contribute to victim-blaming. The idea that modesty is a shield against sexual advances can lead to shame and guilt for individuals who have experienced sexual assault, as they may be made to feel responsible for the actions of others.
Emphasis on Physical Purity:
- Purity culture often places a heavy emphasis on physical purity, equating any form of sexual expression outside of marriage with impurity. This narrow focus can create shame around natural and healthy aspects of human sexuality.
Impact on Self-Esteem:
- The internalization of shame can have a profound impact on self-esteem. Individuals may struggle with feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, and a sense of being fundamentally flawed due to their perceived impurity.

In the end, this purity culture can carry a heavy impact-especially if taught at a young age.

The judgment, the fear and control tactics- it’s a lot to handle.

It’s about time we have open, honest talks and embrace the fact that everyone’s journey is valid and purity culture should be a thing of the past.

Did you grow up in purity culture? What were your thoughts about it at the time? Are your thoughts different today? Drop a comment and share your experience.