What attracts a narcissist?
A narcissist will look for prey, as if it is their source of survival. They are looking for individuals to “feed them” and go along with their planned agenda.
A narcissist is searching for traits and certain attributes and has devised a plan to keep their supply intact. They do this so they can feel in control, worthy, even if for evil planning. It’s sickening and maddening for those in their path.
While many people look at these qualities (below) as respectful and endearing, the narcissist looks to the following character traits with a different mindset and attributes them as life support.
Let’s look at these qualities and traits that attract narcissists in closer detail.
1. Kindness
The narcissist will look for someone who is kind, nice, and generally pleasant–even when their buttons are pushed. They will look for these traits knowing that one day they are going to push the envelope and they will need to know that you will behave in a controlled, respectful, and consistent fashion.
The narcissist will put their victim to a test with many encounters, tests and trials to test their “kindness aptitude”.
So, let’s test your kindness aptitude:
- Do you have trouble calling out those who are in the wrong due to your kind nature?
- Do you smile even when in pain?
- Are you kind to a fault?
A narcissist will target kindness knowing that when they are up to their abusive antics, they want to know you will be kind to them despite their covert tactics.
They need kindness to a fault.
Watch the Video
2. Loyalty
Another trait a narcissist seeks is loyalty. The narcissists will need to know where your loyalty lies. They will need to know it’s with them above everything else.
They need your love, devotion, support, and endless encouragement for whatever they are doing.
When they start to rock the boat with all sorts of twisted covert abuse, they want to know you will still fare with them and support them, and even defend them. They will do this covertly to see how you naturally respond.
To have this level of loyalty to a narcissist, there has been a series of events, a training ground, which can take years, which the narcissist has cleverly orchestrated on your behalf, unbeknownst to you.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you may have successfully completed the training – but don’t blame yourself. The training was covert. You had no idea you were involved in this training, or some may even call it grooming. It’s not your fault.
The narcissist is looking for someone that will believe and support them, whatever the narcissist will say and do, and believe it for absolute certainty, even with conviction.
Take this Short Quiz
- Do you put the narcissist first?
- Do you choose to agree with the narcissist even over what your close friends and family state if in contrast?
- Are you loyal in private and in public to the narcissist?
- Do you overlook the faults of the narcissist?
- Do you give many chances?
- Where does your loyalty lie?
A relationship with a narcissist is not like a “normal” relationship. The narcissist operates with a hidden agenda – even from the very start. It’s important to recognize the traits they are seeking.
3. Determination to Succeed
The narcissist is looking for someone who has ‘IT’ altogether. They are looking for someone accomplished, prepared, submissive and successful. Why? This is a great challenge to see how far they can bring them down.
Do you typically say and do what you set out to accomplish? Are you goal-oriented with a strong sense of vision and purpose? Perfect. This inner strength and determination is a prime target for a narcissist.
Think about this for a minute. There are people in this world who want to bring others down? Yes. Unfortunately.
Related: Rebuild Confidence after Narcissistic Abuse
Who thinks like this?
The narcissist thinks like this.
They want to see how “good they are” and the power and control they have over you. They want to take your dreams and cause a compete side-rail in your life. This is what motivates the narcissist. They love to see the devastation in your life and they love they caused it. It’s about power,
Do you have inner strength and fortitude?
The narcissist will receive an invisible trophy if they can take these traits from you. It’s what they live for. They want to pull the rug out from under you so you have no solid ground to which to build your traits and you cannot move forward and you are stuck in the mud, that they poured. They do this so they will have continual supply, and that you will be in a position to need them.
Have you made it through many life hurdles?
Great, then you have been probably been targeted by the narcissist in your life. They see your determination to succeed as a threat and a challenge. They want to destroy this mindset and remove from you any way to pursue your mission. Can you see why being in a relationship can be devastating? Can you see why “no contact” is the preferred method to handle a narcissist?
Related: 8 Necessary Steps After No Contact
Let’s take a break and think about this. It’s heavy. This topic and understanding of this section was life-altering to me. Once I digested it, and understood it, backwards and forwards, I was able to mentally heal and move forward.
4. Teachable traits
To a narcissist, being teachable means being easily manipulated. They will want to be your teacher and be the one who imparts wisdom and direction into your life. They want to be the authority in your life, telling you what is right, wrong etc. What they want is someone who will believe their “information” though it may be filled with lies, stories and information they feel is necessary.
- Do you like to learn new things?
- Are you willing to take constructive criticism as you are gaining a new skill?
- Are you someone who had your own thoughts and intuition and over time lose sight of it slowly and came to take the narcissist at their word?
- Do you let a little bit of yourself go over time?
- Are your dreams fading?
The narcissist will exploit your desire to learn. They will try to teach you what and how they want you to think – this is also known as gaslighting.
5. Empathy
The narcissist needs your empathy. They want you to see their needs and meet them. They will use your empathy for their own needs. It feeds their empty soul. They want you to see things from their perspective, naturally and consistently.
- Do you see others needs before your own?
- Do you feel deeply and have compassion and care for the needs of others?
- Do you like to help others?
- Can you see things from another’s perspective?
6. Servant's Heart
Narcissists will exploit this trait in you and have you keep serving until you are way overboard on your serving abilities. They are takers and will not reciprocate. They will take and take and take from you.
When you are exhausted from serving, and serving way too much, and “need” them, they will roll out their other tactics of forgetfulness, absentmindedness, or refusal to assist when you need them and especially when you need them the most. Have you seen this play out in your life?
They are looking for givers who will keep on giving above their means. This is great for a narcissist, since they run from responsibility. When they have a giver in their life who will handle things, it frees the narcissist up from being accountable and contributing.
- Do you like to serve others?
- Do you anticipate and see others’ needs before your own?
When in a relationship, we are looking for chronic behavior as everyone can exhibit signs of narcissism from time to time.
7. In the FOG
This last trait may be the most important. The narcissist wants to know that you will not catch on to their scheme.
The narcissist is looking for someone that does not see the manipulation, control, deception and lies. They will test you on this to see your knowledge, experience and awareness with this.
- Were you raised in an abusive family?
- Were you the black sheep of your family?
- Were you in a prior abusive dating relationship?
- What about your friendships?
You will be targeted by the narcissist, as they will look for someone who is used to the abuse, and IN THE FOG, who sees it as “normal”. This may be someone who has not WOKE UP to the abuse and is still in the fog- they just don’t see it. The narcissist sees this and knows they will put up with the toxicity and will consider it normal.
You will be targeted by the narcissist, as they will look for someone who is used to the abuse, and IN THE FOG, who sees it as “normal”.
You may feel something has been drastically off, but struggle to define it clearly. Please check out Master Manipulators: Discover Covert Tactics Narcissists Devise to Manipulate, Deceive and Control
This opens the door to the narcissist, where they can continue the abuse cycle.
Related: Why is Narcissistic Abuse so Devastating – The Cycle of Abuse
Someone who is still in-the-fog, has a sense of innocence and sees the good in all people is what a narcissist is seeking. They are looking for supportive people who truly believe the best in all people and would not fathom that there are tricksters and manipulators out there who would do harm to suit their own purposes. This is the type of person a narcissist is seeking. Please share to help create awareness on this topic.
In Conclusion
Narcissists target their victims for the strengths and beneficial traits they have, who operate in kindness with compassionate hearts. Narcissists look for these positive traits to suit their own purpose.
It’s twisted, maddening and undeniably unbelievable that there are individuals who take pride in levels of deep destruction. It can only be evil, evil at its finest.
If you would like to know more about my story, click here. If you would like assistance in Overcoming the Devastation from narcissistic abuse, check out my latest book here.
I would love to hear your comments if certain character traits you have were targeted by a narcissist. Please drop a note in the comments below.
Rebuild Your Confidence
after a relationship with a narcissist
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