Was I 'Conditioned' By my Family of Origin to Have a Relationship with a Narcissist
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If you grew up within a narcissistic family environment and then went on to have a relationship with a narcissist, you may be full of many questions, rightfully so.
Why did this occur? Was I drawn to a narcissist? What was it about my upbringing that may have led me to be in a relationship with a narcissist in my adult years? Was I primed or conditioned for this? If so, how?
These questions are deep and are spot on to explore.
Today, in this article we are going to uncover some of the (1) roots from within narcissistic family upbringings that may have conditioned you to not only be drawn to a narcissist(s), but (2) why it happens, and (3) why then, why the narcissistic partner seeks comfort and refuge (for a time) in you to establish a ‘relationship’.
Let’s dive in.
Table of Contents
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Studying Family of Origin with a Different Set of Eyes
If you were born or raised within a narcissistic family structure, you may have not noticed it until certain life events transpired.
The events may have put you on a path of deep discovery which led to reviewing and studying your family of origin on a new and introspective level.
It may have been from a divorce or breakup, or you researched certain traits that led you down a rabbit hole, and you became wise and observant to how others treated you and your eyes were opened. The wake up may have been the turning point to learn more and to head down the path of exploration, and here we are.
Was I Raised by a Narcissist?
We are going to outline some of the tactics that are orchestrated from within narcissistic family environments. Sometimes we can see these tactics growing up, but may not have connected it under the title of narcissism – until years later.
Constant Communication Conflict
Communication breakdowns are often seen within narcissistic family environments. Have you witnessed the following, chronically?
- The Narcissistic Parent Talks Over You
- Doesn’t Listen to You Intentionally
- Frequently Interruptions
- Conversation is not a two-way street
- Does Not Engage and there is a Lack of Connection and Bonding
- When you talk or share, the conversation is redirected back toward them
- You are minimized, discredited, spoke to like you are uninformed, have no merit, even spoke to like you are a child
- Silenced
- Compared to against others within the Family and even Extended Family
Neglect
Within narcissistic families there is a level of neglect that can occur. It can range to include both physical neglect and emotional. Neglect can also be shown as:
- Knowledge was Withheld and Had to Figure Things out for Yourself
- Not Taught about Red Flags in a Relationship and What to Look Out for as an Adult
- Love was Conditional or Performance Based
- Not Included, May Have Felt Like an Outsider even within a Family Unit
Controlled Environment
Within narcissistic family environment, there is a strong undercurrent of control – and control in different facets. The following are several areas in which parental control is shown:
- The Narcissist Trained or Conditioned that you Cannot Make it on Your Own
- Independence is Shunned
- Discouraged from Creating Own Life
- Personal Boundaries were Mocked and Overstepping often Occurred
- Shame and Gaslighting was used to Control Behavior
- Taught you needed the Narcissist to Survive
Outward Perception Ruled
Outward perception is held to a high standard within a narcissistic family. As a result, the family perception was monitored by the narcissistic parent to control how others view the family.
Are you the Family Scapegoat?
A similar occurrence occurs with the scapegoat. When the scapegoat is overlooked, criticized, and treated as less than others over and over again by not only caretakers, they can begin to internalize how others treat them over and over again. They can take on self-sabotaging behaviors and may suffer from poor or improper self-esteem. Learn about the dynamics between the Scapegoat and the Golden child, why he relationship is strained, what the Scapegoat can do, why the scapegoat is disrespected (and worse), and even ostracized.
What Happens as a Result of Being Raised by a Narcissist
If you were born or raised by a narcissist, you were conditioned to believe their treatment toward you is normal. It’s so ‘normal’ that you don’t even question it while growing up (or, if you did, you were met with other tactics to offset it) and eventually it became an accepted method of interaction – and this may have led to being involved with a narcissist in later, adult years (or until you had a ‘wake-up’ moment and saw things how they really are.)
The grown adult suffers from implications from being under the ‘training’ or conditioning from early ages which can affect them later on in life.
Why the Narcissist Seeks the Scapegoat to Have a Relationship
There are many ramifications from being raised by a narcissist, but a narcissist romantic partner will seek out the positive traits you have to exploit for their purpose.
You may have adopted certain traits because you were in ‘survival mode’ within a narcissistic family environment and the survival mode never ended. To you, it was normal. The narcissist saw that-you-saw-it-was-normal and jumped on the opportunity.
The narcissist seeks out those (especially the scapegoat), who were raised within a dysfunctional narcissistic family unit, for the following reasons:
It's an Easy Transition for Them
A narcissist is looking for someone who is not only primed from a narcissistic family upbringing, but they are looking for some who is tolerant to the tactics and who will allow it to carry-on undetected.
A narcissist thrives in an environment where they can implement and carry out their destructive skills in the dark. This is where they shine.
The Narcissist Uses your Good Traits for their Purpose
The following contains several reasons why the narcissist was drawn to you, your positive traits they saw, and how they intend or intended to use them to further their objectives (of course, until you saw it…).
- The narcissist was drawn in by your empathy, (The narcissist will exploit your empathy so you will feel a certain way and therefore do things for them.)
- The narcissist saw that you looked out for others, and others before yourself (The narcissist wants to remain to be #1 in the relationship will look to others who will accomplish this.)
- They saw how supportive you are (The narcissist needs to be supported emotionally – at all times.)
- The narcissist was drawn to your loving, caring nature and that you were nice to a fault (they believe you won’t rock the boat)
- The narcissist saw you sought for the approval of others (the narcissist believes then, you will put them first and will work to maintain their approval, which they need.)
- The narcissist saw you have a constant winning attitude and will do whatever it takes to accomplish something (the narcissist believes you won’t give up on them and they will have a constant level of supply.)
- The narcissist saw you as accomplished and highly skilled in certain areas, but were unable to see it yourself (The narcissist knows that you can make things happen and will work hard to accomplish things, they will use this to their advantage.)
- You disregarded your own talents, even downplayed them and while doing so lifted others up (The narcissist wants you to continue to downplay yourself, while elevating them; they appreciate the imbalance.)
- The narcissist saw and believed that once they were able to “win you over’ that your loyalty will be to them – and they wanted your attention, support and for to have their back. (The narcissist obtains supply with a level of certainty.)
In Summary
Learning about our family of origin can help to explain many things and it can help to connect the dots if you find yourself with a narcissistic partner in adult years.
Have you seen these narcissistic traits in your family of origin? Does this article help to shed some light if you had or are currently in a relationship with a narcissist? Drop us a comment below and let us know your experience.
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