The Scapegoat Cannot Earn Respect Through Performance: 3 Reasons Why

Have you Ever Considered Reuniting with your Dysfunctional Narcissistic Family?

If you grew up in a narcissistic or dysfunctional home and identify with the role of the family scapegoat and wish and desire that your family of origin respects you this article is for you.

Perhaps you went no contact or grey rock for a while and your family is getting older, or you question things and wish to “go back” for a time to test the waters and see how things are after a period of time with no communication…

Side Note: Going Back after a while is a personal decision, and should be weighed carefully considering everything you have been though. You have probably changed, grown, matured in who you are and what you will allow, accept, and tolerate in your life, while where you came from may not have.

They may have been mad, even downright furious, that you left the family, which caused them to reshift and blame another member of the family for the family mistakes. They missed you only to abuse you further and to perpetuate the image of that the family has it all together.

Maybe they didn’t even tell anybody that you left the family, they just pretended things were normal, and they were silent or changed the subject whenever it would come up.

Today in this article, we are going to talk about why your dysfunctional or narcissistic family will never truly respect you as an individual and as a unique person, that is separate from them with your own desires, wishes and wants out of life.

They Will Never Honor and Respect You

This is a sad topic, as I wish things were different. If you grew up in a dysfunctional home environment, and were the scapegoat (characterized by not being listened to, takes the blame for family mistakes, is treated less than, is largely disrespected, and so on, while the golden child receives attention because they did the dishes), I wish I had better news for you.

If you have reunited with your dysfunctional family and a rule that they must respect you now that you are an adult, my friends I have to level with you and speak truth with you.

They may be friendly with you for a while. This “while” may be a couple days, a couple weeks, few months, until they turn against you again. They may not ever talk about the past, or the things they did, which were gut-wrenching to you. They will pretend it never happened, that you were making it up, so my recommendation is to never go there.

If you are looking for them to respect you as an adult, with the hopes that everyone has changed, my friends, they are not going to do that. You have wishful thinking because you have gone through a healing journey, been introspective, dealt with the anger and the intense hurt feelings of it all, and have come out the other side, while they never did any of the work, nor considered it.

When they turn against you again, it will be worse than your largest cut. They know they injured you, they know you were hurt, and they have intention of hurting you again with the same words, same actions, same types of hidden covert manipulation though they have had time to think about how they can twist it up and really drive it in to you this time.

This is why it’s a slippery slope to reunite. Your new healed and invigorated self, will not be prepared for the daggers that they will toss, and why many recommend to literally never go back.

Related: Loss After Narcissistic Abuse

Your Value to the Family Will be Minimalized Forever

One thing that is uncanny when it comes to the family scapegoat is from a young age, they learn to do things for other people, which puts them in a performance mentality. They become people pleasers, always looking out for the other people.

They become keen on reading facial expressions, keen on walking on eggshells with others.

What begins to happen over time, is the family minimizes everything the scapegoat does. The scapegoat does not receive the attention, their accomplishments are downplayed, minimalized, and disregarded, they are treated as less than and not given the value they deserve.

This is ongoing.

Even if you go out and leave the family unit for a time and come back to it, you will still be minimalized. That is your family role, then, and it always will be.

Your Role Within the Family is to be the Family Giver and Be stuck in Performance for Them

If you are the family scapegoat, your role within the family is to always be an endless supply for them. You are required to share and give your resources, knowledge on things, as they look to you for what you will provide for them. They want you to be the giver, while they are the takers.

This will wear on you…and may lead to adult burnout later in life if boundaries are not put in place to keep your sanity, your peace so you can mentally recuperate from their mental mind games.

I can relate.

If you wish for your family of origin to respect you, now that you are an adult, it's not going to happen. The system is not set up for this to make this wide shift. You will always be the role in the family they assigned to you be and they will not respect your growth as an adult. They will not come around as we hope and wish they would.

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Bonus: The Scapegoat is Likely to Hit Burnout Later in Life

Burnout has hit an all time high in the USA as the workforce has historically been overworked, not given ample time off as compared to other countries in the Europe for example.

There has been rising costs and inflation along with the constant war between working from home and corporations forcing employees back to the office. The corporate war is ongoing and if you were the family scapegoat, you may also have struggled with burnout our have burned out later as an adult.

After a stretch of 80 hour work weeks, I did hit a breaking point and did eventually burn out. I too, was the family scapegoat, who was taught to keep giving, keep going, take care of everyone, etc. and it all came to a head for me.

I was forced to take care of myself, and have been on a burnout recovery journey. I have additional boundaries in place now, but it has been a journey that I will share on my podcast soon.