How to Survive the Holidays this Year
I’ll be honest, the holidays were never fun for me growing up. They were tumultuous times, gathering with extended family. I do not have fond memories of any holiday spent with family from when I was a young child.
I felt left out, overlooked, not paid attention to, lost, stuck, and totally felt awkward. I don’t recall really having any sort of meaningful conversations with anyone that had any depth.
It was all fakery, all for show, nothing at the soul level to really bond two people together. So, for the most part, I kept silent.
From a very young age, I craved, and wanted, and expected to connect. I believed family were the ones to have your back, be there through all life’s circumstances and be present and engaged through life’s ups and downs. This is not the case for me.
Table of Contents
When I was young, I was required to attend these holiday events. Many times, I remember acting up and faking sick or some ailment that would prevent me from attending Easter, or Thanksgiving, or even Christmas. I hated family gatherings.
I was made to attend, and of course, this caused a raucous in my family.
Family was not a safe haven for me – ever.
I kept desiring connection, and it didn’t happen.
My required attendance was still mandatory even when I became an adult and moved 2000 miles away. I remember one year when I was scheduled to run in a local 5K Turkey Trot and my mom flew me home last minute to attend Thanksgiving with the rest of the family.
It may appear to be a nice gesture, but now I realize this was more for her image. She wanted to others to arrive at the conclusion that we had it all together and that I loved attending family events and being with the extended family.
I obliged, even as an adult, as I had to obey my mom, no matter how old I was, or so I thought, back then. Then, I was not able to go against the flow, act on the wishes that were most true to me, or call out the truth, I had to silently obey in fear of the backlash that would come my way.
I didn’t wake up to the true family dynamic until many years later.
Then, things changed.
It’s been several years since I have spent Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, my Birthday or any other main holiday with family. Things have changed. I went no contact, and made other plans.
The decision to go no contact is one decision in and of itself, see other posts here and here for more insight, but let’s talk about how to survive the holidays.
Be Prepared to Second-Guess Yourself
During the year, it doesn’t seem to impact me as much as when the holidays are around. It just seems like when I go to the mall, or the grocery store, or getting gas, I see families all around.
Married couples with children and couples holding hands. There is something about the pretty Christmas lights that brings people out of their home which can surface feelings not felt for a while.
Out of nowhere:
- I started to second guess myself.
- I felt guilt that I am not “going home” for the holidays.
- I questioned myself and my decisions about no contact.
- I felt, maybe I should just go home.
- Did I really disrupt this family?
- Was the abuse I endured for decades really that bad?
I often have to step back and realize that I have made a major change in my family, I have worked hard to be where I am, and I realize I cannot go back.
I often have to step back and realize that I have made a major change in my family, I have worked hard to be where I am, and I realize I cannot go back.
Related: How to Reconnect with Your Intuition
This is the whole nature of the beast, if you will.
Narcissistic abuse is designed to get you to question decisions you have made.
These feelings of guilt will come, be prepared for them. Be prepared to feel every ounce of freedom and rejuvenation in your life is now being under question. You will have to fight for your freedom.
Continue to fight for who you are.
It’s a mental war.
It’s against everything you have come to believe.
When faced with questioning yourself and feelings of guilt and remorse that come along with it, stick with your intuition.
Sharpen your mind to this mental attack that wants us to wane, to falter and to give in and go back to the abuse.
Push forward to regain your strength.
When we are weak and facing the temptation to retreat, it can be as if we had the wind knocked out of us, it can be debilitating and it’s almost like we are under a trance to go back and “obey”.
It can be tough.
It will pass, and we will feel empowered again.
Take time to realize what you have been through.
The truth was exposed.
The hard thing is that it can be isolating, since many people do not understand this dynamic, cannot relate, can’t even digest the scenario, if shared with others.
Be aware of the peer-pressure that society puts on us to be in alignment with our family. Anticipate it and realize most people won’t understand the dynamic of narcissistic abuse.
Be Careful who you Reach out to for Support to help you to Survive Holidays
When we are at a low point in our life due to things going on around us, we may have a tendency to wish to reach out to others for support and encouragement. This is a natural desire, and we should have people who we can be a resource for us.
Be careful who you reach out to, there may be a desire to reinstate old friendships that were not healthy for us, who took advantage us, as it may have been an emotional habit for us at one time.
When I woke up to narcissistic abuse, I lost many “close” friends by my choosing. When I am at a low point, the thoughts to reinstate these friendships surface. Let’s keep it real, I am tempted to go back to others, who didn’t truly care for me.
To be successful in this, I believe it’s best to create new friendships with people that we can trust. We have to form new relational habits. This is a process and will take time.
You can also fight this by yourself. It’s helpful to have resources around us, but sometimes we have to fight our own battles. Joyce Meyer has a great book called the Battlefield of the Mind, and it is a great resource to help us defeat the battles of the enemy. It is highly recommended if you have not read it before.
I have just re-read it again recently. I was given energy to combat the mental battles I face.
Be Aware of Emotional Triggers
When we see couples holding hands at the grocery store, or our new friend getting engaged, these can be emotional triggers that can surface loneliness and feelings of worthlessness.
The enemy of our soul tries to use these situations and encounters with other people, anything he can to try to bring us back to emotionally abusive people.
The enemy of our soul tries to use these situations and encounters with other people, anything he can to try to bring us back to emotionally abusive people.
As we are learning to survive the holidays, be on the lookout, and on guard for unexpected emotional triggers. 1 James 5:8 says, “your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” [italics added]
Ephesians 4:23 says to be renewed in the spirit of your minds. [italics added]
Yes, there will be struggles, yes it will be tough at times and we may want to go back. Think of what you have been through. Think of the value on your life. You are precious and you are going to get through it.
The emotional triggers, though they be strong at times, are temporary, have the mindset that you will overcome, the sting of pain it brings will pass, life will go back to a new normal, and you will have integrity and amazing strength on your side, that only comes from going over or sometimes through the mountain.
Have a Prepared Answer for Colleagues for how you will Spend the Holiday
Office holiday parties can be fun for many, but for those who have changed a family dynamic recently, the thought of having to explain to co-workers, may be overwhelming.
What to say?
How do you tell your colleagues that you are no longer in contact with your family because they were manipulative, verbally abusive, controlling and better yet have coined them as narcissistic abusers and have gained self-respect and courage and have recently gone no contact?
I think their eyes may glaze over or they will tell you to forgive them and to make plans to see them since you only have one mother?!
How do you speak in a politically correct way in the office about your ever so unique situation, which is so not politically correct, which goes against the culture in many places?
Your office mates will ask you about your holidays, how to handle??
Be prepared with an answer before they ask.
Get a two-minute elevator response tailored, keep it general, but not detailed with any descriptors. Most office companions won’t understand the true dimension and they are not anticipating an answer of the heartfelt truth of the situation which runs deep to your soul. Keep it simple, lighthearted and nondescript.
Make Plans to Do Something Fun
In my post here, I describe a holiday trip I went on last year to the Northwest US via Amtrak. I had a great time, exploring a new area of the country. The best part of it was that I didn’t have to drive. I made arrangements to stay in an overnight room on Amtrak, in local Airbnb’s, hostels, and hotels. I took Uber and did a lot of walking and sight-seeing. It was a great time of being refreshed, so much so I recall after the trip, that I plan to travel more.
Traveling may not be your fun adventure; you may wish to something else. Do what may help to get your mind off things, but is different than your normal way of life. For this, I suggest to think outside the box and do things that you say you will do if you had time. Make plans for these things and make it happen!
Surviving the holidays may pose new challenges for those who are survivors of narcissistic abuse, have gone no contact and are finding a new path for the first few years or more depending on circumstances of the family dynamic.
The holidays stir within us emotions, thoughts, that we may not often face during the year, and for this reason, the holidays can be difficult and even overwhelming. When I was young, holidays were not fun, and today it has a separate set of obstacles, with me being present or physically not. I am grateful for the situations I encountered when I was a young child, and I am grateful for them today.
You are strong, and amazing. I truly believe that those who have gone through narcissistic abuse, there is a mission on your life, a calling if you will.
The enemy tried to bring you down because you have a powerful voice with a message to speak out the truth. The enemy hates the truth. I want to encourage you in your path, no matter where you are, and be a resource for hope and a message that can impact others around you.
I would love to hear from you if you have additional suggestions on ways to overcome the holidays. Please place a comment in the comment description below.
Take Care and I will be thinking of you over the Holidays.
Practical Steps To Leave a Narcissist: If you are seeking practical steps on how to leave a Narcissist, click here.
Pick up a copy of my E-Book: Overcoming the Devastation of Narcissistic Abuse: How to Heal, Recover and Take your Life Back by Lynn Nichols