Should I Buy the Narcissist a Gift?
In this article we are going to discuss motivations (or obligations) to give a gift to a narcissist, brief summary of why gift-giving originated, brief summary on recovery stages after narcissistic abuse, as well as how to overcome the feelings of guilt associated with NOT giving a gift. Let’s begin.
- Why do you want to give a gift? Are you struggling with guilt or have a case of the “Shoulds”
- Do you fear the retribution from the narcissist SHOULD YOU NOT give?
- Do you hear a nagging voice in the back of your head that says you cannot forge a new pathway?
This is the narcissist in your life that you either have gone no contact with or low contact, grey rock, possibly a family member and you are debating this situation over and over.
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Why Were Gifts Given Traditionally
It has been said that giving gifts for Christmas stemmed from a pagan ritual then Christianity adopted the tradition (stemming from the story of the 3 wise men giving gifts for the birth of Christ). Corporate businesses and marketing have since then taken over the Christmas season of gift giving to make it the extravaganza it is today.
Gifts are also given to one another to show support, love, connection and it’s an endearing token and outward manifestation to have a continued relationship with someone. It’s a bonding tool usually to bring two or more people together in a celebratory act of sharing. The gift is usually meant to bring joy, inspire, and be just what the other needed or wanted or something special that the other person would not particularly spend money on.
Watch the Video Here!
Why Do you want to give a gift to the narcissist?
- Do you feel a sense of Obligation? Do you feel you SHOULD, do you feel GUILT? Is this the motivating factor?
- Are you doing it keep the peace, or it is what has been historically done in your family situation? Are you struggling to step out on your own and do what your gut says to do?
- Are you trying to prevent the narcissist from being embarrassed if they don’t have a gift from you? This is the empath in you speaking. You care about others. You put yourself in their shoes. You see from their perspective. You know that if they do not receive a gift, their ego may be hurt.
Or maybe you have recently discovered you have been victimized by a narcissist and are learning to set some boundaries and you have a check in your spirit this year.
If you are setting boundaries for the first time, this could be challenging for the narcissist will not like this and will probably turn this against you.
They will not like you have chosen to stand up for yourself.
They will feel rejected.
They will feel you are disloyal.
And they will want to bring you back into submission.
They may go into a narcissistic rage over NOT giving them a gift.
Will our choices always make others happy? Absolutely not!
We do not have to give a gift because it has been historically done, or because we feel the nagging guilt to do so. We can create new pathways and new behaviors going forward. We do not have to live our life for others. We can choose how we spend our time, who we want to bless with gifts and who we do not wish to pursue. It’s a boundary. We determine it and we set it.
Related: Will the Narcissist Change?
Please Note: If you are living in the same household with your narcissist, and this is the first time you are you are setting this boundary, the reaction you may get may include narcissistic rage. The narcissist will employ tactics to get you back into compliance and this is something to take note of. If you are under the same roof and are concerned with narcissistic rage, please beyond all measures be sure you are in a safe place.
Being Free from Narcissistic Abuse has Many Stages of Recovery
- One is finding yourself again. You are beginning to hear your own voice, gut, intinctions and it begins this internal war within you. You want to do what is second nature, but it propagates an internal conflict. You feel you need to do something different but it’s not easy to accomplish.
- This internal war allows for the birth of a new seed to start to grow and develop. This is a great stage of healing, albeit it has challenges. What is happening here is this internal war is waging. We have been taught to think a certain way, all for the sake of other people. When we think for ourselves, and act on it, we are allowing this SEED within us to develop.
This seed allows for our own personal growth and development; and it allows for separation into our own desires, wishes, wants, objectives; and now…
We are listening to our own voice and for MANY this is the first time. We are learning for ourselves and not subjecting our self to the needs of others to our own detriment. In essence, we are taking our life back and regaining our power.
This seed also gets us out of the people-pleasing mentality, and we are transitioning into taking care of ourselves first.
Now as we know, the narcissist will employ their tactics to get you “back into alignment”. They may spread lies, gossip, tell others you are (fill in the blank), and the rumors can get intense should you choose not to give a gift this holiday season.
- Be prepared for it.
- Choose how you will respond
This is the beginning of being set free and is worth the walk to freedom.
How Do I Handle the Guilt and Feeling of Obligation?
When we choose to make different and new decisions, others may not like it, especially if they are being impacted, negatively as they will see it.
- Be prepared for this feeling.
- What is occurring is you are taking back your power. It’s okay at first to be timid. It takes time to grow. Bit by bit it grows, and you become stronger in your decisions over time and the longer you are removed from the situation. Step by step you are taking your power back and rebuilding what was historically taken.
Lastly, Let's take a look at Why Do you Want to give a Gift
Do you want to encourage closeness, bonding with this individual or because it has been traditionally done? With a narcissist or toxic individual, there is no closeness, or bonding, not to mention that the gift will most likely be criticized, it was too this, or too that…
As we are overcoming narcissistic abuse, we are establishing new patterns of behavior, guarding our own hearts, and creating our future by the choices we make.
If you are looking to survive the holidays, check out this post here.
Related: Should I Confront the Narcissist?
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